Hey, it’s 2:40am. I should be asleep dreaming sweet dreams, but instead I’m up having trouble turning off my brain. Tossing in my bed, getting thirsty every 5 minutes and then running to the bathroom every 30 minutes for the past 4 hours is getting old. I’m a unnecessary night owl because I don’t have insomnia unless I’m shoulder deep in some real nasty stuff. I’ve had a really rough month…probably I’d say couple months if I’m honest with myself, but definitely a solid month of EW. (Insert Jimmy Fallon voice for those that are fans). I was doing great ignoring my current situation the past two weeks. Hanging out with friends, Facetiming with friends, texting with friends, and overall hearing how much I’m loved by my friends. I know right…aw! It is the heart hug I’ve needed.
But amidst that, I am feeling this unnerving emotion: pain. I’ve been telling myself it’s fear, but I think it’s pain. I think my fear is a cover up for my pain. I think my fear is attached to me because it’s a great way for pain to get attention. It’s a great way for people to pay attention to you and validate how you’re feeling…or not. Maybe they just feel bad for you.
The thing is is that I’m really tired of my story about fear. I’m like way over it. But there’s parts of me still catching up. I don’t believe I was born in fear and I don’t believe I’m a fear prominent person. I think it’s a manifestation of pain that was untreated and misused. I have great parents. I know that’s your first thought…what about your parents? No, it was actually my school that really did me in. I don’t want to offend people but I also want to tell the truth so here it is. I went to a Waldorf school…you know, super nurturing and all that. Yeah, my experience was a bit different.
I was made to feel shameful for the way I was, the way I didn’t want to sing in front of a whole class of people, the way I needed someone to just say “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk right now, why don’t we do that later just the two of us”. I needed my teachers to nurture my sensitive nature. Let me re-phrase that…my gifted nature.
I believe I am a gift, and I believe everyone is in their own right. That’s why I’m tired and also fired up, because I’m done promoting the story that I’m different and I deal with anxiety blah blah blah. I mean, it’s TRUE, but the worst thing in the world is people taking the label and coming up with their own full blown story about who you are based solely on that little tidbit.
I want to be seen as a full person, and not a broken person, because I don’t feel that way about myself. I know now through a lot of people mirroring this back to me, I have some work to do on myself. Hey, it’s good. I’ve got a constant revolving door of people ready to keep helping me clarify myself so I can move forward, and onward, and upward. But my story is hard dude. I’m proud of myself.
Even on a night like tonight (now 3:00am) where I’ve gone through half a role of toilet paper crying my eyes out, and I feel helpless with some things in my life, I’m still super proud. Because I look myself in the eyes every day and I know that I’m always on my side. I’m always there looking towards my kick ass future where I’ll have healed some of these parts of myself and now able to heal lots of other people with my story and wisdom.
I know I came here to heal and to be real while I do it. That’s why instead of feeling sorry for myself, which by the way I still do, I’m choosing to sit here and write about it and create some momentum. The past 6 months have been great, one thing after another of some beautiful moments. But my happiness was dependent on these people and events and busy-ness.
Now by some series of events, I’m finding myself stuck in the abyss of my own self and I’m seeing the fire of the underbelly. I’m seeing what I’ve not been able to see before, and that is that I need to really make time for me.. The funny thing is, I’ve got all day. I don’t have a job, and I don’t have a million social commitments, but I’m still “too busy” somehow. No more.
It’s exhausting pretending like you don’t have tools in your toolbox to fix yourself. It’s also exhausting distracting yourself from said toolbox with other more fun things. So it all finally hit me. One piece of my life unraveling caused the whole darn ball of yarn to unravel…hence the few sleepless nights of me laying here as I am now, feeling sorry for myself and alone.
One thing I know is, I’m not here to stay. I’m here to experience. I’m here to transform…there’s a big difference. I’m not depressed because I’m not willing to stay here. I’m ready and willing to move. I don’t have anxiety, but when I feel pain and discomfort, sometimes I experience my body using it’s only relatable defense mechanism, to become anxious. It’s only natural, it’s not my fault. It is my fault if I choose to stay here and also feel bad for myself.
Phew, today has been a looooong day. I’m so done. Here’s to a brighter tomorrow.