Unnecessary Night Owl

  

Hey, it’s 2:40am. I should be asleep dreaming sweet dreams, but instead I’m up having trouble turning off my brain. Tossing in my bed, getting thirsty every 5 minutes and then running to the bathroom every 30 minutes for the past 4 hours is getting old. I’m a unnecessary night owl because I don’t have insomnia unless I’m shoulder deep in some real nasty stuff. I’ve had a really rough month…probably I’d say couple months if I’m honest with myself, but definitely a solid month of EW. (Insert Jimmy Fallon voice for those that are fans). I was doing great ignoring my current situation the past two weeks. Hanging out with friends, Facetiming with friends, texting with friends, and overall hearing how much I’m loved by my friends. I know right…aw! It is the heart hug I’ve needed.

But amidst that, I am feeling this unnerving emotion: pain. I’ve been telling myself it’s fear, but I think it’s pain. I think my fear is a cover up for my pain. I think my fear is attached to me because it’s a great way for pain to get attention. It’s a great way for people to pay attention to you and validate how you’re feeling…or not. Maybe they just feel bad for you.

The thing is is that I’m really tired of my story about fear. I’m like way over it. But there’s parts of me still catching up. I don’t believe I was born in fear and I don’t believe I’m a fear prominent person. I think it’s a manifestation of pain that was untreated and misused. I have great parents. I know that’s your first thought…what about your parents? No, it was actually my school that really did me in. I don’t want to offend people but I also want to tell the truth so here it is. I went to a Waldorf school…you know, super nurturing and all that. Yeah, my experience was a bit different.

I was made to feel shameful for the way I was, the way I didn’t want to sing in front of a whole class of people, the way I needed someone to just say “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk right now, why don’t we do that later just the two of us”. I needed my teachers to nurture my sensitive nature. Let me re-phrase that…my gifted nature.

I believe I am a gift, and I believe everyone is in their own right. That’s why I’m tired and also fired up, because I’m done promoting the story that I’m different and I deal with anxiety blah blah blah. I mean, it’s TRUE, but the worst thing in the world is people taking the label and coming up with their own full blown story about who you are based solely on that little tidbit.

I want to be seen as a full person, and not a broken person, because I don’t feel that way about myself. I know now through a lot of people mirroring this back to me, I have some work to do on myself. Hey, it’s good. I’ve got a constant revolving door of people ready to keep helping me clarify myself so I can move forward, and onward, and upward. But my story is hard dude. I’m proud of myself.

Even on a night like tonight (now 3:00am) where I’ve gone through half a role of toilet paper crying my eyes out, and I feel helpless with some things in my life, I’m still super proud. Because I look myself in the eyes every day and I know that I’m always on my side. I’m always there looking towards my kick ass future where I’ll have healed some of these parts of myself and now able to heal lots of other people with my story and wisdom.

I know I came here to heal and to be real while I do it. That’s why instead of feeling sorry for myself, which by the way I still do, I’m choosing to sit here and write about it and create some momentum. The past 6 months have been great, one thing after another of some beautiful moments. But my happiness was dependent on these people and events and busy-ness.

Now by some series of events, I’m finding myself stuck in the abyss of my own self and I’m seeing the fire of the underbelly. I’m seeing what I’ve not been able to see before, and that is that I need to really make time for me.. The funny thing is, I’ve got all day. I don’t have a job, and I don’t have a million social commitments, but I’m still “too busy” somehow. No more.

It’s exhausting pretending like you don’t have tools in your toolbox to fix yourself. It’s also exhausting distracting yourself from said toolbox with other more fun things. So it all finally hit me. One piece of my life unraveling caused the whole darn ball of yarn to unravel…hence the few sleepless nights of me laying here as I am now, feeling sorry for myself and alone.

One thing I know is, I’m not here to stay. I’m here to experience. I’m here to transform…there’s a big difference. I’m not depressed because I’m not willing to stay here. I’m ready and willing to move. I don’t have anxiety, but when I feel pain and discomfort, sometimes I experience my body using it’s only relatable defense mechanism, to become anxious. It’s only natural, it’s not my fault. It is my fault if I choose to stay here and also feel bad for myself.

Phew, today has been a looooong day. I’m so done. Here’s to a brighter tomorrow.

My Greatest Weakness is My Greatest Strength

Welcome to my blog! This blog is about my secret superpower and how I use it to ELEVATE and EMPOWER myself to be the best person I can be. Starting today, you and I are together creating a sacred space to support and encourage each other on our journeys. This is the place where I will be diving deep into the abyss of my journey with anxiety; how I live with it, breathe with it, and love it even in the midst of its gripping force in my life.

So here I am, about to open Pandora’s box with something that I said I’d never write about. Quite frankly I’m surprising myself, but I figured as writing is a form of energy, and energy can always be transformed into something more beautiful, I can use my heart in words to transform my life and spark something beautiful in your life too. As this is something that has been so close to my heart (and my mind…LOL) for my whole life, I think I have well past earned my badges to share my experiences.

There are a lot of ways to be labeled in this world, and I’ve never been quite too keen to fit inside someone else’s boxes or diagnosis’. All I know is who I am, and that is more than good enough. Since I was a young girl, I always felt a little bit different. I would get overly nervous about everyday things like going to school, asking a question to an adult, ordering food at a restaurant, making friends, changing my shoes in front of kids while they made fun of my small feet, and playing the recorder or singing in school. Don’t get me started about the stress of the school plays!

The list goes on and on. However, I don’t want to continue the list just yet. I would like to start this blog off on a note of empowerment, because truly I know that I’m not broken. I know that despite my differences, there’s a lot of beauty in the way that I tick. My prayer and intention for myself and for all of you readers is to get to a place where we can use all of these pieces that make you unique and beautiful to truly solidify your presence in your life NOW. That means that regardless of your past, you are an ever-changing human being, and every moment you get to choose yourself all over again.

The first thing I’ve learned through therapy, self-contemplation, and simply being my own knight in shining armor is this: there’s nothing wrong with you. Did you hear that? I don’t think you did. THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. Maybe you’re not convinced, and that’s okay. God bless the ones close to us in our lives that are doing their best to help us in the middle of our internal storms. Not only do they have to decode us but they also have to hear about our insecurities about THEM! Sometimes it’s our close loved ones that make us feel ashamed to be who we are, but it’s not their fault. We can feel like a burden sometimes, even though we’re doing our best. We overcompensate to show our love and appreciation for their presence in our life because we can’t imagine life without them.

Scenario: It’s a beautiful summer evening and the sun is beginning to set. The sherbet sky looks good enough to eat. You’re at home relaxing on the porch, sippin’ a nice cold glass of lemonade, and anticipating a nice night in. Just then your best friend texts you “Hey, wanna meet up for dinner?” That’s such a sweet offer, you’d like to think. But no…not for you! BAM! Your head starts spinning, your stomach clenches into knots, and your heart beats loud out of your chest. Within a mere few seconds, you’ve already organized your death and funeral.

Are you really dreading hanging out with your best friend? Of course not! That couldn’t be further from the truth. But how will you get yourself there if you:

  1. Can’t get yourself in the car
  2. Pass out on road in the car
  3. Crash on the road while passed out in your car
  4. Get there in one piece but are shaking and sweating so badly that you look like a complete weirdo
  5. The music and talking of people around you in the restaurant becomes so unbearable that you have to escape and desert your best friend
  6. Can’t order any food because you’re so sick to your stomach
  7. Pretend to smile so hard because you’re so miserable in your head that you just end up looking severely constipated
  8. – 100. (I’ll save you here and not list them all…and this takes all of what, 30 seconds?!)

The kicker of this scenario is that nothing remotely close to this has ever happened. Only in my head has it almost eaten me alive hundreds of times the moment that I leave the house. So then you are probably wondering, “How do you ever leave the house?” And “Why can’t you just tell yourself that story isn’t true and move on with your life?” Well, that my friends is exactly what this sleuth is sleuthin’ about right now. I might as well amuse you until I crack the code right?

One thing I know for sure is, you’ve gotta love yourself a heck of a lot. You have to respect yourself at all points of your evolution. This means, don’t just pick out this one aspect of you to define your entire character. Take me for example. As kid I was anxious to go to school, as a pre-teen I was anxious about tackling my homework load, as a teenager I was anxious about doing well as a classical violinist and making it into a good college, and as a young adult now, I am anxious about leveling up to the amazing adventurous fearless person that I know I can be.

Everybody has a childhood and a unique story. My sensitive nature has shown me time and time again that this is both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. Growing up in a household that focused heavily on natural remedies, energy work, and other spiritual tools to solve the many mysteries of life, I was blessed with the understanding from a young age that my sensitivity is my superpower. At 10 years old I started using qigong and meditation as a method for transforming my anxieties into beautiful butterflies. I continued on my spiritual path becoming an energy healer, and then experienced an awakening in my life at age 16 that opened up this vessel of divine intelligence to flow through me even further. (If you want to learn more about that, visit http://www.teachingsfromgod.com).

I know through the many experiences in my life so far, I’ve helped a lot of people across the world BECAUSE of my sensitivity. I can tap into my soul’s wisdom as well as other people’s soul’s wisdom effortlessly because of my sensitivity. I am caring and loving and compassionate to the subtleties and unsaid words in interactions because of my sensitivity. I am creative and independent, and never get bored because of my sensitivity. So why then does my brain still tell me this part of me is a curse? The answer is in our feelings – yes, our feelings.

We’re so afraid of our feelings, and yet, we have a dependency on them on a daily basis! We say things like, “I don’t feel like going to the movies tonight” when we know we’ll love it when we get there. Feeling is our first instinct that we act with in most everything we do. Nothing is wrong with feelings, unless of course you find that you can’t separate the fear based ones from the truth based ones. The truth based ones will always support you in accomplishing what you’re setting out to accomplish. If you don’t feel like going to the movies but there’s still a little spark within you that knows that you’ll love it once you get there, then that’s the time to use your inner momentum to spring yourself off the couch and into the car.

I recently read Mel Robbins book The Five Second Rule. OMG. If you have not read this book, go buy it, or listen to it on Audible. I endorse it wholeheartedly. I LOVED IT. I loved this book because it frames up these so-called “challenges” not in an emotional victimizing way, but in a matter of fact way with practical tools to work with what’s being presented to you in the moment. When you’re in a struggle moment, instead of running, what if we challenged ourselves to stop, listen, and observed, unattached from judgement. I get it, it’s easier said than done. Trust me, I know, but I do think the answer lies within mindfulness. There’s something profound about realizing that you’re wasting your time when you’re trying to get rid of something that’s being shown to you for a reason.

Do I think we are meant to live our whole lives anxious because it’s a lesson to be learned? No. But I do think we should move with the ebb and flow of our humanness, and not resort to substances, people, food, and other unhealthy things to numb out. The truth is that I’m sick of my story. I really am. I’m the first to admit, most days I feel so LAME. I’m sick of saying, “Sorry I can’t go there with you” or “I’m not feeling well enough today” when I’d really like to jump in and say “YES! YES! YES!”

This is my journey. I don’t have all the answers, but I do have a lot of answers, and probably more than I allow myself to acknowledge most days. This is my beautiful messy life that I am choosing to share because I believe that this subject is SO beyond a diagnosis. It’s so beyond the brain. It’s so beyond nervousness. There’s so many layers, but I think when we attempt to figure out this mystery of the Self, it all comes down to our dedication to ourselves. It comes down to the courage we bring to look within even when it’s hard, because inside there is an infinite and ever flowing well of strength, courage, and wisdom, and you don’t have to find it; you just have to allow it to spring forth.